I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. – Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? – Groucho Marx

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. – Groucho Marx

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. – Groucho Marx

Humor is reason gone mad. – Groucho Marx

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does. – Groucho Marx

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. – Groucho Marx

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook. – Groucho Marx

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something. – Groucho Marx

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. – Groucho Marx

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. – Groucho Marx

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. – Groucho Marx

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself. – Groucho Marx

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. – Groucho Marx

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. – Groucho Marx